10 Minute Writer

My last entry was about waiting on God’s Big Plan for my family — a plan which we truly thought was going in one specific direction. It did not. It still might. But at this writing, there is no definite plan to do anything but to wait and maintain what we have.
Since my last entry, several months ago, my emotional life has had the journey of a lifetime. First, the anticipation of a move and a new adventure had me in a plane of unsurpassed excitement. Subsequently, the realization that our plans were not to be threw me into a place of utter despair. I had a really bad November. I cried for three days straight and maintained my home and my family life in the most shabby way possible.
Thanksgiving, however, was spent with relatives in Oklahoma. I was still numb from the disappointment — but somehow there, away from my troubles, God revealed to me a side of his perfect plan. While I was there, my eyes were opened to see, with unprecedented clarity, the depth of God’s love for me. I returned to Boston a new person. So new, in fact, that the desires of the fall, the obsession to move houses and cities was completely gone. My former discontent (and I have a lot to be discontented about) had somehow vanished. Instead, I was filled with a joy and a peace that I had never encountered.
Which was a perfect way to enter the Advent Season.
Our Christmas was very busy, and at times stressful, but I can’t remember a time when I enjoyed it more. It is worth noting that I had spent most of my 2009 begging God to improve our situations by Christmas — thinking that one more holiday season in our circumstances would be far too much to bear. Yet, we endured one more. This Christmas was vastly different. It was full of joy and peace, not disappointment and heartache.
I faced the New Year with a temptation to lay down my agenda before the throne of God once more and say, “Do these things in 2010, please.” As if he had forgotten or neglected to accomplish them in 2009. In hindsight, 2009 was filled of wonderful, unexpected, abundant blessings. Few of which graced that year’s agenda. So, perhaps the 2010 list should be discarded.
Instead, I face my many ideas with a new perspective. I have many ideas — I am impulsive and easily distracted excited. But perhaps I need to see the ideas that fill my agenda as cheap, silly things, not even worth my attention until the King beckons them and breathes life into them.
Which brings me to the problem of this blog. What do I do?
I am skittish about “building a platform”. I am convinced that Twitter, as helpful as it can be, is a time-sucking force, of which I have little self-control. My true passions lie in finishing my novel and I can see how too much time blogging can take away precious time from my novel. (Now in progress for three years.)
Clearly, the best thing about this blog, is the relationships that are built from it. That alone should propel me into it. But I confess, I am a swirling mess of confusion, disappointment, distraction, guilt and fear. I’ve seen what happens when plans don’t work out — and it’s painful. Yet, I’ve also felt the overwhelming healing and peace that comes from a Father who is in control of all things. Even my failures.
So, I think, after spending a half hour or more of collecting my thoughts in the best way I know how, is to continue with this blog. Slowly. My husband says I should take my own advice and lower my expectations. Ten minutes a day, perhaps? Only once or twice a week instead of five? Write as a cathartic exercise, expecting release, not as yet another way to influence the masses and make money.
I’m not making any promises. I’m going to take this one day at a time. I’m even going to wrap up this entry, because I am still a busy mother of five. I still have bread to bake and football games to watch and Wii Golf scores to increase with my boys.
So, dear readers. I think I’m back.
Trusting God Ten Minutes At A Time.