Dealing With The Whammy of Doubt (Now, Where’s the Chocolate?)
I have a double whammy today. Triple if you count that I kept the kids up to watch the Super Bowl.
I have a relationship in my life that I’ve recently realized is abusive. I found out recently that this person is insisting on working on a non-writing project with me. So there is a possibility that my next few weeks, including my birthday, will be stressful.
If I were reading this, I would say, “why don’t you tell them NO!” I’m afraid it’s not that simple, I’m not that strong, nor am I convinced that it is the best answer. Rest assured, I’d love to.
My second whammy, which might be a direct result of the first, is that even though I am writing like a mad woman on my novel, and I’m generally pleased with its progress, I’m second guessing everything. I’m stuck in an glue trap of doubt. I’m afraid, almost to the point of paralysis, that I am not any good.
Now that I have all of these thoughts down, I can see that they are intertwined. My possible Post Traumatic Stress Disorder life can’t handle both of these events simultaneously. I am a mess. What do I do?
A few minutes ago, in a frantic effort to find a solution, I tweeted to #writers “Where do you go when you are discouraged about your writing”. I got about four answers. I was surprised at how often chocolate was mentioned.
This is funny, and I certainly might try it. But I think I need a more permanent solution than the frozen Hershey bar that I stashed last Halloween. I need to know. TO KNOW — from the core of my being, from the inside out, that I am safe, that I am accepted, that no matter what I write, I am not defined by it. That I am loved. (Not a message that this abusive relationship has communicated to me.)
If the project was cancelled, I’m sure I’d feel better about my writing. If I stopped navel gazing long enough, I might even see that both of these things are out of my control. I might see that God, who loves me, protects me, sustains me, gives me ideas and works through me, will work both of these issues out.
But I’m so used to fretting, I’m so accustomed to disaster, my default setting is sobbing over rejection, it’s hard for me to grasp hope in both hands.
I believe that there is a God. I believe he made me. I believe that my past, my present and my future are held in his hand. I believe I will suffer, yet I will not be harmed. I believe He wants me to draw nearer to him in this and rest.
So I guess I’ve found my solution for the whammies. But I’ll keep chocolate around too.
Bless you Katherine x.
Reward yourself every time you deal with the abusive person. Doesn’t have to be chocolate – could be 5 minutes hugging a child or 10 minutes smelling a scented candle – but give yourself a reward/treat every time you deal with the abuser. And I assume you’ve sought wise counsel on whether you should really be maintaining a relationship with this abuser? Husbands and wise friends can be invaluable in this respect. (My abuser is a family member, so my relationship is not optional, but we have also ended the abuse cycle). Be very kind and loving to yourself because if Jesus were physically with you, He’d be all over that!
I think to some degree all artists go through the self-doubt whirlpool periodically. You are absolutely right in your last paragraph. Turning to God is smart and the best thing to do, and what we should do first.
Other things that help:
1) 20-min. of fast exercise. Turn on some music & dance wildly through the house. You’ll feel better.
2) Find a friend willing to give you a listening ear, but also some clear cut critique. If you don’t have a friend like that, pray for one.
3)I know I tend to measure my artistic success by how many sales/how frequent of sales I’m getting. When nothing is moving I think, “I’m not an artist!” Wrong ruler to measure by. God gave you this desire to write. Write for Him. Just keep writing. God will take care of the end results.
4) Push through the critique. It sounds like you’re starting to criticize your work before you’ve finished it. Put it away for a day, then come back and read it again. Slash words that don’t fit, rearrange, read it aloud, rewrite, then put it away for a day again. Writing is many layers. NO ONE writes perfectly in the early drafts.
5) Ask yourself, “Am I afraid of failing? Or am I afraid of not being able to repeat a success?” Then let the issue go. Just write. I’ve read your blog posts and Tweets. They’re good. They are interesting, concise. You are a good writer. Stop analyzing and sinply write. You can do this.
I’ll be praying for you.
Gina